I have been angry on and off all year. It comes in waves. There’s a tiny flicker of anger just in the top of my mind, and then the wave comes crashing down. I am consumed by anger. Everything makes me angry. Even things that would otherwise be enjoyable are tinged with anger. It is everywhere. Suffocating.
I’ve also felt genuine hatred this year for this first time in my life. Even when discussing the people who hurt me, I’ve not felt hatred. I’ve felt sympathy and disgust. But this year I’ve felt hatred, mostly towards people I don’t even know. It burns, just like the angry.
I have no idea what’s causing these feelings. The therapist said she actually liked that I was feeling this way because it meant the last vestiges of numbness were fading away. I don’t like these feelings at all, though. They put negative energy in to the Universe, and none of us need that. Still, I can’t seem to block them or stop them when they happen. I just have to feel them, express what I can in a safe way, and hope they pass quickly. These feelings are so new to me, and I would definitely prefer for them to stop situating themselves quite so firmly in my mind.