I’ve been cycling. As a matter of fact, I’m still on the downswing. It started with hypomania that I didn’t even recognise. My therapist pointed it out to me. This went on for roughly two weeks (which is why I haven’t posted). My thoughts raced madly, and I wanted everyone to shut it so I could keep talking. *Nothing* moved fast enough.
From there, the mixed state set in. The latest DSM did away with mixed episodes. The disorder, on the other hand, did not. This is the dangerous stage for me. All the despair and suicidal ideation of depression with all the energy of mania. I had racing dark thoughts. I didn’t want to talk anymore because I didn’t want anyone to get in my head. My paranoia shot up. *Everything* was dangerous.
Now I’ve fallen in to a light depression. It’s inconvenient and uncomfortable, but I feel I can cope with it safely. If not, I’ll definitely phone up my therapist. This completes my cycle, though. A couple of weeks of mania, followed by a week or so mixed, followed by sometimes months of depression. Here’s hoping this stage passes as quickly and as easily as possible.
It occurs to me that, since I have started blogging again, this blog will likely take on a new direction. I’m not the same person I was when I first started the blog, and I haven’t got the same concerns. Back then, life was all about finishing graduate school and coping with the recently-divulged secret of my multiplicity. Now, grad school is a distant accomplishment, and I am fully integrated. Life has definitely changed. Looking back at old posts, even the tone of my writing has changed. Frightening and exciting all at once.
So what am I doing now? Glad you asked. Now, my life focuses primarily on bipolar disorder– something that can’t be resolved via therapy– and veganism/animal rights. As well, I am proudly Wiccan and involve many Pagan practices in my daily life. These are the pieces of me that remain post-integration. I still deal with trauma flashbacks and will likely write about that subject from time to time. It’s no longer a daily focus, though. Now, my life is about using my beliefs to walk as gently as possible on the Earth. I feel whole in my mind and spirit, so my focus is sharper on the causes I support.
That’s the funny thing about change– it’s ok! We all change as life progresses, but we never lose our value. Thanks for following along with this new leg in my journey, dear readers. I hope you continue to share parts of your journey, as well.