Tomorrow is a new month. Maybe I can get it together and do better at work. Maybe I can manage my diet and exercise routine better. Yes, it’s a new month. I will be better.
I have said this to myself at the start of every month for probably six months now, and it never comes true. At this point, I’m actually frightened about work. I need to do better there, but depression makes me forget there are real-world consequences to my absence. I try to work, and racing thoughts drive away my concentration. Mania causes me to not worry about whether I have a job. Who wants to worry when they’re manic?
As for diet and exercise, these are closely linked to mood. Manic Me can count calories and exercise with the best of them. Depressed Me can sometimes barely get out of bed. Middle of the Road Me does a decent job of things. She just isn’t seen often these days.
I’ve had so much trouble with mood symptoms that my psychiatrist is frustrated and considering personality disorders. He just can’t make me fit in to one of his boxes. The therapist told him that maybe the problem was him and his medicines. I wanted to hug her for that.
So here we are. March. The end of the year’s first quarter. Maybe I’ll do better now.
I stepped on the scales this morning with much trepidation, knowing I had gained weight over the three months of ups and downs I’ve had since the start of October. However, I still didn’t expect the results I saw. I’m twenty pounds up since October. Twenty. Pounds. Up. I had no idea things had got that far out of control.
Now comes the time of working to get healthier, just like half the rest of the world. We cling to health and weight loss as new year’s resolutions, but I feel this is a fight for my life of sorts. I feel the effects of the weight, both mentally and physically.
As an always recovering bulimic, the desire to lose weight is particularly precarious. And this is where the numbers game comes in to play. I needed to know my weight in order to have a starting point. I don’t, however, need to start calculating every calorie in terms of how it will affect my weight loss rate. I don’t need to push it to get to a tiny shape as soon as possible; I don’t even need to make being skinny a goal. Healthy should be the goal, whatever that looks like for me.
So here’s to health. And weight loss. And training the mind and body to make healthy choices. This is my resolution, regardless of how silly and cliched that might be, and I hope to achieve it through slow but steady progress toward my goal.