I wrote about the difficulty of expressing anger in another post. It does, however, have its positive side. Anger is a great motivator. I’ve volunteered at shelters for abused women and children in England and here in the US, and I’ve heard that phrase used loads of times. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that I actually understood it.
As of lately, the focus of this blog has been on moving away from abusive relationships, as I am in the process of doing that. I’m sort of chronicling that process in hopes that someone else might stumble upon this and get some help, or at least some inspiration, from it. Almost eight years ago I thought I was completely free from the cult. Two years later I came to the realisation that they were still in my life. I trusted my father’s assertions that he had left and let him back into my life and my mother’s life. Not long after that it became obvious that he was still very much involved in his old role. While I am absolutely *not* playing the role I was supposed to take, the cult members are still very much a presence in my life and still have alot of control over me if only though my fear of them. Consequently, I’ve spent the past six years trying to break free completely.
But back to anger. I’ve been making solid plans as much as possible, the largest of which has been working out my financial situation and searching for jobs. Soon I will be spending a few days in the place I’ll be moving to and will do some in-person job and apartment hunting, solidifying things even further. For me, this is important. I need to know that I’m not leaving chaos to enter even more chaos. I’ve done what I can to build even loose connections from here so that I can make my short time there as productive as possible. The book entitled ‘It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence’ by Meg Kennedy Dugan and Roger R Hock is an excellent source of ideas and a great way to keep your thoughts together about such an enormous undertaking. Even if the relationship you’re leaving isn’t one of a romantic nature (mine certainly isn’t) the book can be helpful. It’s available through Amazon’s private booksellers, and I’m sure it can be found many other places as well.
Yesterday I sent an email to a dear friend of mine telling him the next steps I’ll be taking towards getting away from here. It was only in writing that email that I realised how angry I am with the people who have hurt me and at myself for staying in this environment. Until now, fear has played a large part in keeping me here. Now, I’ve accepted the fact that I might always have little ‘visits’ from these lovely people, and that they’ll always be a bit of a presence in my life if only because they’ve had such a great part in shaping me. For years I’ve been telling my best friend that I’m tired of running, and tired of always looking over my shoulder. So I stopped. I’m not running from these people any more. I’m moving out in plain sight.
Because of them I’ve lost my entire family. I’ve experienced and seen horrific acts, and I’ve come out of every bit of it alive and at least functioning. I know the tricks. What more can they do? There’s a somewhat trite cliché that applies here– hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. I know that if I absolutely *have* to make it in my current situation, I can. However, in thinking about all the things these supposed people have done to me and my family, I can *feel* the anger I’ve been ignoring for so long now. For the first time ever, I truly feel human and can state out loud that these things shouldn’t have happened, even to me. I owe it to myself to build a better life, and I’ve learned the hard way that it’s ok for me to focus my energy on myself for a bit.
That’s the first step– realising you’re *not* some horrible excuse for a person who deserves to be abused forever. You’ve got to allow yourself better times. Life outside feels good, and spending as much time as possible outside your situation while trying to break free completely will help you keep that in perspective.