The Best Laid Plans

I got the job I really wanted.  And kept it for less than an hour.  I had been looking forward to this position, even hoping it might lead to full time one day.  My housemate, however, had other ideas.  He phoned up the temp agency, said he was my boss, and cancelled my position.  They phoned me to confirm.  With the threat my housemate poses, I had no choice but to tell them I couldn’t take the job.  I was– and remain slightly– crushed.

A funny thing has come out of this, though.  I know I’ll be ok.  Financially, things are dismal.  This job would have solved many of my problems.  It obviously isn’t possible for me to take it, though, so I’ll just have to make do with what I have.  And, for the most part, I know I can.  See, there is something resilient about the human spirit, and I can see that part of myself.  I will persevere.  In fact, I will live well.  Afterall, I am the only person who can truly ruin my life.  They will never break me.

Decisions

There are always stumbling blocks.  I am edging ever closer to the job I’m really excited about, but now healthcare threatens it.  I’m in America now, the land of horrible coverage.  Because I am well below the poverty line at this time, I qualify for what amounts to free care.  If I get this job, however, I will only qualify for reduced care.

What does that mean?  Copays on meds and doctor  visits, and a monthly insurance premium out of pocket.  Work one job, barely afford necessities.  Work two jobs, lose health coverage.  I have two chronic conditions that require expensive medication.  Neither will spontaneously go away if I get the second job.

This has me in a tizzy.  My best friend reminded me that I haven’t got the job yet, but I’m just trying to be proactive.  Too bad finding out information about copays and premiums is bloody impossible outside of the ‘enrolment period.’  America must consider itself the land of the healthy, because it’s almost impossible to afford healthcare.

Hopeful

Today, I feel some hope.  This is as surprising to me as it probably will be to you, dear readers.  I’m cautious in my hope, though.  My brother-of-choice pointed out that I seem to have ‘time warped,’ and he is absolutely right.  This helps my perspective.  I can see the old tapes for what they are:  the thoughts that were meant to hold me down.  My living situation complicates things, but it doesn’t make life impossible.  I need to remember that.

Tomorrow is my job interview for the part-time position that I *really* want to get.  I tried not to get my hopes up, but they are.  To some extent, this is a good thing.  I didn’t think I’d feel hope again any time soon.  Hope I shall, though, that this job works out, that life outside of my house happens again, and that reconnecting with myself is an attainable goal.

Torn

I seem to be in an impossible situation right now.  My living situation is volatile, to say the least.  My housemates, especially one, tend to be violent.  Based on ties from my past, though, I can’t move out.  This leaves me, to some extent, trapped.  I’m trying to come to accept that, although I do still fight with it from time to time.  The best choice here is just to accept it and work within the confines.  Hence the reconnecting bit.

Today, an opportunity presented itself.  I’ve been working from home for many years, which has been both a blessing and a curse.  It has shielded me from the stress of commuting and allowed me to set my own schedule.  It has also allowed my social anxiety to grow and let me seclude myself.  Working a full-time job is a bit overwhelming to consider; working part-time is turning out to be less viable these days.  The opportunity that came about today is a part-time job in a place I truly love.  I know I can do the work, and the fact that it’s only part-time makes it doable.  The problem?  My housemate, who became threatening at the thought of my working outside the house.

This has led to me being overwhelmed, confused, and torn.  At the time of the conversation with the recruiter, all I could think about was my happiness at the thought of working in this place.  Then, my resolve faltered with the words of my housemate.  Now, I’m overwhelmed and questioning everything.  Will I still get to spend enough time with my cats?  Will I be able to handle my routine being interrupted?  Will I be able to juggle *two* part-time jobs?  I can’t answer those questions, and I’m really not sure whether they should stop me even doing the interview.

Life is so confusing sometimes.

The Pleasantly Boring Week So Far

This week has been relatively boring, which is actually a good thing.  I’ve found that life gets loud again soon enough.  Being stuck in a rut can be a great experience.

The Universe Is Out To Get Me bit started over the weekend and reached its peak this afternoon.  Even it wasn’t exactly a catastrophe.  Just annoying.  I’ve registered with a local staffing agency and was sent an online assessment for MS Word and Excel.  The tests were timed, which isn’t usually a factor in my performance.  These tests, however, became quite the thorn in my heel.  First, getting the bleedin’ things was nearly impossible.  A week after I emailed my contact information, I still hadn’t heard from the admin. assistant.  I phoned her up, and she was quite surprised, saying she had sent the tests much earlier that week.  I’ll certainly allow that as a possibility, but my guess is she either forgot to send them or sent them to a different email address.  In any event, they popped in to my inbox only a few minutes after that phone call.

The email contained a link to the online assessments as well as password and username information.  At the bottom was a notice that, if you were disconnected for whatever reason during the test, you could resume it by pressing the link.  It also warned that this could only be done once in a 24-hour period.  I assumed the time constraints were set in place only if you got disconnected.  Unfortunately, I was incorrect in my assumption.  Two days after receiving the online tests I logged in to take them– the login information had already expired.

I phoned the local office *again* thinking about the lovely impression I must have been making on my potential employer, and the information was emailed to me again.  No more than ten minutes after receiving the message I signed in to take the tests.  After completing the first test, I was promptly dismissed by my computer.  The connection was lost.  Muttering angrily to myself, I set off on the 36-mile drive to the University I attend.  But wait– the tests required MS Word and Excel *2003.*  The University labs have 2008, and the newer version would not work with the testing service.  Lovely.

Never one to accept defeat, I packed up my trusty laptop and began boldly blazing the trail.  (Isn’t alliteration fun?)  Then the shoulder strap on the laptop case broke, sending it careening spectacularly to the wood floor of the lounge at my house.  I’m not joking– the metal connector thingy literally broke in half.  But, to be very optimistic, at least it broke in my house as opposed to on campus.  To be even more optimistic, I’m now sitting in the campus library after having completed both tests and receiving high marks on both as well.  Not a bad end to what was definitely a more frustrating process than it should have been.

In other news, I’m preparing for a therapy visit next week.  I go to a subsidised clinic, as the sessions only cost $5 there and my funds are a bit low.  The American healthcare system isn’t set up like the NHS, but oddly enough, the wait to see my therapist met NHS standards– ten weeks.  😉  So much Stuff has passed through my mind in the past 10 weeks that I’m not at all sure where to begin.  We’ll have to do some internal searching about on that subject.  In any event, it will be good to actually speak with someone in a therapeutic environment again.  I’ve had this really odd and somewhat uncomfortable feeling lately.  It’s not something I have a word for quite yet, but I’m hoping we can suss that out with the therp’s help.

Do you think about what you’d like to talk with the therapist about before you go into the session, or do you prefer to see how things work out as you go along?  I’m never sure what the most helpful course of action would be.  It’s something we all have to figure out for ourselves anyway, I guess.

As you can likely tell from the somewhat useless information in this post, not a great lot is going on with me at the moment.  Or at least not a great lot that I can conceptualise.  To end things on a funny note, though, I saw something yesterday that I’d never seen before.  I went to a local park to study, and from a distance, it looked like a grey cat was sleeping on the table where I typically sit.  Upon getting a bit closer, I saw that it was a squirrel lying on its side, little hand tucked just slightly under its head, almost napping.  Hilarious.  If I’d been toting my camera, a picture of Mr Lazy Squirrel would grace the pages of this blog today.

Sinking In

This is a short but important post.  I’ve spent this week in the place I fully intend to call home soon, but the internal voices and external influences have been trying to pollute all of it.  More on that in another post.

Tonight, as I drove from my friends’ house to the extended stay place I’m currently calling home, it sunk in.  I was driving from one place that felt safe and happy to another place that feels safe and happy.  I’ve made alot of contacts as far as job hunting goes, but more than anything else I’ve learned alot on this trip about myself (plural) and my perceptions of the world.  The magic wand has not been waved, and I have not been relieved of all my problems.  There is, of course, no magic solution.

Tonight, though, driving the bit back to my hotel from my friends’ house, I felt safe and happy.  There was a warmth inside I hadn’t felt in a long time, and I smiled.  Regardless, that has to count for something.

The Neglected Week So Far

The Week So Far was the first regular feature I came up with for my blog. Poor neglected category. I think, in the blur of activity lately, I’ve skipped writing this for the past couple of weeks.

The weeks have indeed been blurry. It’s that depression and anger bit again. Always fun. The really hard part about making myself feel better from that is making myself *do* things. Making myself go to campus, making myself spend time outdoors, et c. It’s very slowly getting better, and I’ll take that for now.

The never-ending job search continues, but I might actually be getting somewhere with that as well. I’ve been in contact with a campus placement agent and have been accepted as part of a placement agency that works specifically in my field. I’m not getting particularly hopeful, though. History isn’t the greatest in this aspect.

Recreation wise, spending time outside has been excellent for me. I live several miles from nowhere, so I can go walking in the woods behind our house. It’s lovely out there. Even when it’s really hot, there’s a spot that gets very little sun where I can go and just sit. I love being outside. There’s something about returning to the elements, so to speak, that really helps clear up some of the confusion in my life. One of these days, with any luck, I’ll be living near an ocean again. There’s nothing quite like being at the ocean. It’s healing on so many levels.

And speaking of healing, I’ve been working quite alot more on the metaphysical aspects of my life. That’s another thing I’ve sort of lost track with and, as my present situation is a bit sticky, metaphysics/alternative spirituality is something I’m depending on more and more these days. I guess there’s opportunity in anything.

Hopefully this category is happier now. 🙂

You Know Your Job Search Is Going Badly When…

The HR Rep from K-mart doesn’t show up.

I’m looking for a ‘just get by’ job to fund my job search, basically. That said, I managed to get an interview for a cashier’s position at K-mart. Having already been in that hellish position for Walmart, I thought I’d try the Other Side. Apparently the lovely workers of the K-mart chain are an even more evolved group.

I showed up early for the interview, as is my wont. The HR Rep wasn’t there yet, but I was greeted by Suzy Sunshine, the friendly stock girl, who told me that ‘she ain’t gone be in today’ and said to Sunny Service Desk that I was ‘one of them online people who got some interview when nobody was gone be there anyway.’ I should have backed away slowly then, but being masochistic, I stayed.

Sunny Service Desk, bless the dear lady, did check to see if the HR Rep was actually scheduled to be in and found that she was indeed supposed to be working 8-2. Apparently attendance is optional. Could have been a great job afterall…

On the other hand, these people could be marketing *geniuses.* I browsed around the store for a bit, waiting 25 minutes for the HR Rep to show up (25 mins late, mind you). Approaching the service desk and wondering what the proper ritual for getting information was, I asked Sunny Service Desk if there had been any new developments. Visible HR Rep said that, indeed, the other Rep would not be in. Muttering loudly about having scheduled the interview personally with the other person, I asked if maybe she could do the interview with me.

Apparently, Invisible HR Rep is the only one with the hiring-firing power. She must really be something. I’m guessing that her power would have blinded me. In fact, she probably did me a service. I might have become so insecure comparing myself with her that I wouldn’t even feel *worthy* of the job. Yes, she did indeed help me out.

My expectations have foiled me again.