This week has been great. I have worked many hours, completed student loan repayment applications, kept up with household chores, and generally felt well mentally. This has all happened for the first time in months, and it leaves me wondering where my mood has been. I feel good right now. I can concentrate again, and life doesn’t seem so overwhelming. I’m grateful for whatever shift has happened.
The one dark spot in this is that I have obviously been having mood issues without being aware of them. I’m usually good at picking up on mood symptoms and dealing with them before things get bad. The recent manic episode must have split what has been a months-long depressive episode. That’s all I can think of. Depression causes that soul-sucking overwhelm and inability to concentrate. I didn’t particularly feel depressed, but apparently, my mind was acting in depressed mode.
Whatever it was, I’m just happy it has passed. Does anyone else out there have mood episodes that you only see in hindsight?
Lately, bipolar disorder is reminding me that it has, in fact, got a place in the chemistry of my mind. I work very carefully to manage the disorder. I take my meds correctly (with a few exceptions that we all seem to have), I keep appointments with my psychiatrist and therapist, and I am diligent about monitoring my symptoms. Lately, however, I’ve been riding through a chaotic storm of bipolar swings.
It started with irritability and restlessness that I didn’t put together as precursors. Last weekend, things started getting particularly interesting. The world stopped moving at the right pace; it was far too slow. Things started magnifying to the point that the entire world and everything in my life was a trigger. I just wanted to cover my head and pretend that nothing other than soft, plain dark colours existed. Evil voices kept telling me of horrible things I had done or would do, none of which were true. Things continued to decline from there, and by Thursday, I wanted to dissect the veins in my forearm to get out the shiny things in my blood that I knew would protect me.
Throughout this, I missed work which means financial problems abound. It’s left me feeling selfish, lazy, and more than a touch mad. Things are still big and mean and scary, in that the slightest thought of negativity gets magnified to the point that it seems a personal crisis. I’m not willing to spend a cent, simply because I feel undeserving of anything because of missing work. I don’t have the energy, really, to do anything anyway. I feel like staring in to space for the next few decades just to avoid anything that might send my mind back down the path of horrible scenarios and hallucinations.
Things have fallen apart, due completely to bipolar disorder this time. I feel incapable of do anything productive, as I feel like a complete waste of space and oxygen. My mind, when it does become lucid, takes so much time to process information. I fluctuate quickly between the depths of despair and the terror of psychosis. *Everything* is a trigger these days. Ironically, I have no idea of what actually triggered the bipolar symptoms, but I don’t remember purchasing a ticket for this particular ride.