My mood is stable. After about a year and a half of ups and downs, my mood has stabilised. It’s almost impossible for me to believe. I keep waiting for something to shift, but, for the past week or so, it hasn’t. I am so grateful.
So what now? Back to the work of being me. I wear many hats. Among them, as anyone who has read this blog will know, is trauma survivor. My therapist and I haven’t been able to do trauma work in all this time, as we didn’t want to offset any precarious stability I might have found. I never thought I’d be happy to do trauma work. It took five years to work through physical trauma, though, and we’ll be starting on sexual trauma next week. I don’t doubt needing five more years. But now, I feel confident that we can do the work.
Another hat I wear is family-of-choice. I have siblings of choice far away, a best friend who’s frequently by my side, and a friend back home who will always have my heart. I haven’t been able to be present for them nearly as much as I would like. When your mood is unstable, your mind is unclear. You can listen and be there to the best of your ability, but you’re never fully present. Now, I can be with my FOC fully. I can give them my whole mind and my whole heart without having to worry about whether the situation will spin me out of control.
Self is the last hat I wear. I am the sum total of what has happened to me in the past and what is in my life at present. In my belief system, I am already affected by the promise of my future. I need to reconnect with the essence of who I am again, as that will centre me in the new-found stability. I’m trying to accept the rough edges of me and understand that my FOC love me for me, no pretence needed. I’m just a simple girl from the more grisly side of East London who has found herself a world away, surrounded by amazing people on both sides of the ocean. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.