Good Night

Anyone else out there having quite a bit of trouble with night these days?  I have had *tremendous* issues with programming and cult-stated prophecy lately.  I make it through the days relatively well, but night is terrible.  It’s like as soon as the sun sets the prophecies take over my mind.  That statement alone lets me know programming has a definite part in this situation.

I’ll need to close this post soon, as I’m actually starting to trigger myself.  The point is, nights, as Mairead would say, suck eggs.  Time is a trigger.

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Dream States

My father said he never dreamed.  I don’t know if he simply didn’t remember his dreams, or if he never truly reached the sleep state needed to have dreams.  Interesting concept, regardless.  I haven’t heard that from anyone else.

As for me, my dreams are typically very vivid.  They can range from blissful to average to absolutely horrifying.  Last night’s dream (or something) was incredibly disorienting.  I remember waking up early in the morning, getting out of bed to pick up something that had fallen into the floor at some point in the night, and then going back to bed.  Then there was nothing.

It wasn’t so much a deep sleep as a total lack of existence.  When I woke up, or whatever it was that I did, I was incredibly disoriented.  I didn’t know where I was, what time it was, or anything remotely concrete.  My first lucid thought was that I’d slept through my shift.  Considering I work afternoons, that would be highly unlikely.  For a minute there, I truly had only a vague idea of my self and absolutely no idea at all of my surroundings.  Everything was unfamiliar.  Yes, I know that all comes with the multiplicity bit, but this is the first time I’ve ever been aware of being, well, unaware.  That was not a comfortable feeling.

Things have settled back to average now, and I’m thankful for that.  Being disoriented to my own life was a bit on the strange side.

Nostalgia

Here, on the other side of my night of panic, I’m feeling a bit nostalgic.  Nostalgia can be a powerful thing.  It can wrap you up in the past so badly that you forget to live the present.  But, it can also motivate you.  It can help you see the patterns in your life that you’re repeating, good or bad, and it can help you remember where you wanted your life to go.

I wanted to have a stable career and a life free from the cult by the time I reached my current age.  I’m a bit far from both of those goals, but I still have faith in them, and I still have faith (sometimes) in my ability to make them happen.  Positive steps.

One has to be careful following down the road of the past and focusing on the changes time has caused.  Time is merely a loop, and we choose the part of the loop we follow at any given moment.  Everything grows older and time keeps passing, but it never really gets away.  We just have to wait, sometimes, for the part we’re missing to come back ’round again.

There’s a line from Del Amitri’s song ‘When You Were Young’ that says it best–  ‘And down nostalgia’s rocky road, you watch your former lovers growing old.’  Click here to see the video on YouTube by universalmusicgroup.  It’s a great song, and very fitting for this lazy sort of homage to the past I’m meandering through at the moment.

Panic

Today is the last day of June.  The end of the first half of the year.  And I am panicked.  Very.  I feel like time is going too fast and we’re headed too quickly towards a fiery end.  I believe in reincarnation, have had some experiences that can only be described as past life memories, and know someone I trust and consider family who can help people through past-life regressions.  But I’m panicked about a silly little calendar page.

I also believe in Wicca and the beauty of the year’s cycle.  This year, I wasn’t even dreading the winter solstice with the absolute passion I typically feel.  Now, though, I’m caught up in that fear again.  I feel like my life is being lived all around me, but not within me.  Actually, because I’m a bit stagnant at the moment, I feel like I’m not living a life at all.  It’s possible to be stuck between lives, I know, but until very recently I didn’t have that feeling.  I need to be involved in something outside of my current surroundings.

And now I’m panicked.  Everything feels scary and spinning, and I’ve been caught in flashbacks for two days.  If anything, I hope this calendar change brings peace.

Swept in to My Memory

I have been completely neglecting this blog for I don’t how long.  Literally.  Time has been optional lately, and even as I type this, I’m not at all sure what’s been going on in my life.

The major DID-related development has been this bizarre way of looking at memories.  I’m interacting with the person in those memories.  Yes, I realise I *am* the person in those memories, but this is odd.  The feelings still don’t belong to me.  I’m merely a spectator.  I enter in to this alternate dimension and am led about by the central character in this black and white biography.  She lays on a table, hides in a corner, waits silently in profound darkness.  She is beaten, burned, touched in private places.  Hurt in ways I knew about but never truly felt.

And now I feel it.  I’m still not her, but she describes her pain to me.  She tells me physically what she’s going through, and here, in my present life, my body aches.  She describes the way it feels mentally, how scared she is or sad or angry.  Sometimes she’s so full of disgust she wishes they would go ahead and kill her.  She doesn’t feel worthy of living.  Here, in my present life, I feel those things too, and I want to hide my head in shame.  Time moves in and out of time, and I end up living in this present-past, afraid of where she might take me next.

I know that she will eventually become me, but right now that thought is too much to dwell on.  Right now, I still need her to be somebody else.

Feeling Disconnected

Ever feel like you truly have stepped outside of time and are existing in some sort of bizarre dimension?  That’s how I feel today.  I feel very disconnected from myself and my life overall.  This sense of isolation is happening more and more lately, and that can’t be a good sign.  It’s not a feeling of abandonment or anything like that– more like I feel as though *I* have abandoned the important people in my life by travelling in to this sort of void the prevents me interacting with them.

The best strategy I’ve found in helping myself with this is to surround myself as much as possible with reminders.  I text message my best friend constantly and email some in my out-of-town FOC.  I go back and read old journal entries describing the fun times I’ve had with the people I’m closest to.  Anything to remind me that they really are out there and that the safe places I’ve found do exist outside of my mind.  Maybe I’m afraid that I’ll eventually learn the external safe places are merely creations of my mind as well.  It’s not a pleasant thought, nor is it a pleasant feeling.

Comfort

People with DID tend to have quite alot of difficulty with the concept of time.  Portions of days, weeks, months, or even longer, go missing on occasion.  The SRA bit complicates things even further, and this week has really made that clear for me.  I can’t quite explain the specifics of that, as I’m having a hard time putting it into words.  However, I got caught up in this feeling of everything hurdling quickly towards a violent end.  I felt like I’d lost the chance to start my own life, and I was dangerously close to surrendering to the cult completely.

One of my internal folk was always good at grounding me when things like this happened, but she integrated a bit ago and I couldn’t remember what she used to say to set things right again.  In what has to be one of the most poignant experiences I’ve had with multiplicity so far, someone inside wrote out those words for me.  This is an alter who struggles to even consider the possibility of a better life outside of the cult.  He and his twin are always terrified and exist almost as shadows, as I explained in an earlier post.  Still, he managed to overcome his fear in order to help me.  These words are always a great comfort to me, so I wanted to write them out here in hopes that they might provide a bit of comfort and grounding for someone else as well:

‘There is no beginning and will be no end.  We are and will always be connected with each other.  We have lived many lives and will live many more.  *We* are the Universe and we will always be.  Everything we know or will ever need to know is within us.  Everything circles and spirals in timeless loops.  We see our past lives, and one day we will see our own lives as connected to each other.  We are all one mind, one consciousness, and we continue on.  We are the same.  Our energies are all connected, and we will and have existed for always.  Our universe is merely recycled– what we are is what we always have been and what we always will be.  We are beings of love, light, and energy intimately connected with ourselves and all others throughout time, existing simultaneously as one in past, present, and future.’

The Roundabout Week So Far

What a crazy week this has been!  At some point, Sunday maybe?  Monday? my best friend met with someone who at least looked like me.  Several hours after they/we got together, I became present and absolutely confused.  We were in a park where we frequently hang out, but I didn’t remember being there.  No problem– we’d only been there a few hours.  Anyway, my best friend tells me he spoke first with Lily, a really odd alter called Somebody, then Mairead popped up and L also made an appearance before I joined the evening’s activities.  I have almost no idea of what went on between my best friend and my internal folk, so it’s a good thing I trust him and have learned to give way some control to them.

And speaking of internal folk, it’s been a bit of a week in there as well.  *Something* is going on, and I’m not quite sure what.  I just know it feels incredibly unsettling, and my paranoia is ridiculous.  Maybe it has something to do with realising that control does slip away from me from time to time.  Not pretty.  Also, I feel like there’s been competing personalities.  People are rather alot more active externally these days, and that’s led to a sort of struggle for ‘outside’ time.  My best friend, bless him, takes everything in stride.

Have any of you ever dealt with what I’m calling competing personalities?  Have you ever felt stuck between personalities or like you don’t even exist at all?  Only slightly unsettling.

What’s really got up my nose about this is how it affected the time I spent with my FOC recently.  A few posts back I mentioned feeling safe and happy for the first time in quite a while.  That lasted only until I got back to where I’m living.  Now I feel sort of floating and unsure of where I should land.  At least *I* feel like that.  Who knows what other people think.

There are so many decisions to be made at this point, and getting an internal concensus, even among the main group, seems a bit impossible.  Turns out I’m not quite as accustomed to this multiplicity bit as I thought.  Growing up around it is nothing compared to actually dealing with it yourself.

The Things They Say

They tell me no one will ever care for me the way they do.  I say if that’s the case, I’d rather be lonely.  They say it is my duty, part of my family’s heritage, for me to keep things going as they have for all these years.  I say I’d rather be called a quitter.  They say time will be ending, everything will be over.  I say anyone who creates multiplicity should know time is merely a concept.  They say I should be afraid of them.  I say it’s ok for me to recognise my fear as long as I don’t let it stop me.  They say only they can protect me.  I say it’s ok to feel unprotected until I can trust in my safety.  They say they have created me, that I owe everything I have, everything I am to them.  I say they can take everything I have, but they will still be unable to get to the very centre of me.  They say I am weak without them.  I say weakness is only something we allow ourselves to feel.  They say everything is futile in the end.  I say futility is an invitation to challenge.  They say there’s no such thing as a better life, that no one will ever love and protect me like they do.  I say my mind only has to focus on the people I love to know that isn’t true.  They say I am theirs, that I don’t even belong to myself.  I say there’s never been a greater lie.

They say I’m really nothing, and yet I still say.  I make my voice heard.

Triumphant? Return

I’m peeking my head ever so slightly out of the sand again.  One of the stronger internal folk has done the day-to-day interactions since I went inside a few days ago, and I’m very tentatively becoming more involved in things again.  At least it was a very short time this go round.  I’m at a point in my life, too, where there are external people I can almost always be present around, so I miss less.  When I’m around these people I can relax and catch up on whatever I’ve missed while ‘away.’

In any event, I’m back now and attempting to put into place the strategy a few of us worked out while I was inside.  I’ve been trying for most of my life to get myself to a safer environment, and it’s frustrating for me and those who’ve tried to help me that I always end up back at square one.  I’d say ‘all things in time,’ but I promised myself I’d scream at the next person who told me that.  And it always looks odd when I scream at myself.  😉

Good to be back.