It’s getting cooler here. Perfect weather for long-sleeved tees and jumpers. So what’s my first thought? It’s also the perfect weather for self injury and not getting caught.

This is what, on Twitter, would constitute an epic fail.


Good Night

Anyone else out there having quite a bit of trouble with night these days?  I have had *tremendous* issues with programming and cult-stated prophecy lately.  I make it through the days relatively well, but night is terrible.  It’s like as soon as the sun sets the prophecies take over my mind.  That statement alone lets me know programming has a definite part in this situation.

I’ll need to close this post soon, as I’m actually starting to trigger myself.  The point is, nights, as Mairead would say, suck eggs.  Time is a trigger.

SRA Therapy with Untrained Therapists

In this post, I talked about working with therapists who don’t believe in DID.  I’ve had a decent amount of success with that.  It’s been my fear all along, though, that SRA programming would rear its ugly head and become a very serious problem.  Now it has.

My therapist and I started examining my thought patterns in detail, and she mentioned that I wore my emotions on my sleeve.  This is new, and in my opinion, not accurate.  I’ve been told many times that it’s hard to pry a single syllable out of me if I’m not in a talking mood.  My silence is my protection.  Her doubting that brought up the guard even more than usual.  I get the feeling that delving in deeper to the way my mind (and therefore my system) works will be dangerous for both me and the therapist.  Because I have some incredibly deep, high-level programming in there, it’s better left alone until a therapist trained in SRA can poke about with it.

Now there’s the question of building our own layer to prevent breaking through in therapy.  Defeats the purpose of CBT, I know, but this is important.  We do not need a cult-loyal protector popping out to say hello in therapy.  Because my finances are dismal at the moment, I can’t afford to see anyone outside of the standardised clinic where I’m going at the moment.  I know with absolute certainty that there are members of the cult I belonged to working within that clinic.  I know as well that they read my file– they’ve commented on it a time or two.  This time, however, the ramifications of getting closer to the cult layers created rather horrific ramifications, both external and internal.  So much for working out some of the more difficult Stuff.

A word of advice to therapists and clients– SRA programming is tricky, and delving in to it without the proper training is really quite dangerous.  CBT might be exactly the catalyst that starts things down that path.  With an SRA therapist this is a great first step.  An SRA therapist will recognise the different layers of programming that unfold.  Someone not trained for that will endanger him- or herself as well as the client.  In the worst possible cases, it could even lead to death.  *Please* be careful when opening up SRA programming.  If you’re a client working with a therapist who doesn’t believe in SRA, please watch yourself for signs that you’re getting closer to layers than you should and do what you need to do to keep everyone safe.  Good luck.

The Triggered Week So Far

I’ve been attempting to keep my head in its little sand hole for the most part, as the news is extremely triggering for me right now.  What really unnerves me is that I keep running straight in to triggers in completely unexpected places.  From astrological signs to WMD reports, the news reads like one of my nightmares.  It’s hard to stay present at the moment, and I’m beginning to think ducking out of things for a bit is best.  I try not to dissociate to the point that I lose co-consciousness when things get this difficult, but even that seems like a good idea at the moment.  My personal mantras are going through my head, and I’m clinging to things like that and whatever else I can to stay connected to my life.  Sometimes, as I’m sure most other dissociatives will understand, it’s just safer to go inside for a bit and separate yourself from the world until you can gather the strength you need to keep from being a danger to yourself or a target for others.

Blah.  Triggers bad.  Safety good.  I wish the whole issue was as simply as that.


Awen has a real issue with drowning.  I mean, I’m sure no one quite fancies the idea, but it’s truly a problem with her.  Lately it’s shown up in my feeling as though I’m suffocating through merely drinking water.  When the water hits my lips, it’s like someone pulls a stopper over my nose, and I feel choked.  It’s not particularly pleasant.  I don’t recall any specific reason that she would be afraid of drowning, but I’m sure it’s another one of those lovely bits I’ll see when I’m ready.  Or at least when the insiders *think* I’m ready.

Rain isn’t a problem.  Rivers aren’t a problem.  Lakes, on the other hand, are almost impossible to be near.  I get an image of her being pulled towards a lake by the legs and attempting to hang on to the ground’s edge with bloodied hands.  Again, not particularly pleasant.  There was a lake round one of the areas where we dealt with cult issues, but I truly do not remember *anything* regarding that lake.  And even as I type this, I want to laugh out loud.  The mere fact that I remember nothing probably means there’s something to remember.


I’m looking for a way to disconnect from everything for a bit, and I can feel someone else starting to front. It’s been one of *those* weeks already, and it’s only early Wednesday.

I get so frustrated sometimes by the fact that triggers pop up out of nowhere. Sometimes it seems like everything is a trigger. That’s what it’s been like today. I take great pains to keep myself safe. In fact, it probably hinders my quality of life. That’s why on days like today I feel like simply shutting down.

It’s odd to be going into Someone Else mode for a while, but I think it’s necessary as well. At least going inside will keep me safe for a bit.

Signing off.

Other People’s Stuff

Here’s another one of those scenarios I never quite know how to handle.  A friend of a friend of mine, so to speak, has had something really bad happen in his life.  I don’t know this person, but I know some of his family and friends and have a connection through them.  The issue they’re facing is absolutely heartbreaking, and I’m sending along every bit of healing and comfort I possibly can.

Just for fun, this situation is triggering some of my own Stuff.  It’s not my situation, but it’s one I’ve faced before.  I always feel guilty about that– feeling bad about my own Stuff when someone I care about is hurting.  My strategy has always been to do what I can to help and deal with my own Stuff on my own time.

Ok Readers, time for your input.  How do you handle it when your Stuff gets triggered by other people’s stuff?