The Cracked Up Almost Weekend So Far

I should be cracking up.  Time is passing much quicker than I’d like, and *things* are ever-approaching.  I must have slipped in to delicious delirium, though.  It’s almost funny.  I’m working towards an end goal academically, realising that I haven’t got enough time to finish everything, and pressing on regardless.  I’m even taking time to breathe.  Whether or not bipolar is a valid dx for me, the stress and lack of sleep magnifies the symptoms quite alot.  And I get cranky alters.

Perhaps I won’t score as high as I would have liked, but one thing I’m slowly and painstakingly learning is that something less than perfection is acceptable sometimes.  Where was this sense of delirium when I was sitting for A-levels all those years ago?  🙂

Here’s to shirking responsibilities for a while.

The Baby Steps Week So Far

There’s a progressive pattern that most children follow– they learn to crawl, then pull up, then stand on their own, and then take their first wobbly steps.  Why shouldn’t those of us with internal children take those same steps in healing?  I get frustrated and try to push things along at a higher rate of speed than I’m ready for at the moment.  Regardless of the issue I’m dealing with, and regardless of its genesis, I want to have it already worked through.  Now.  That isn’t too much to ask, is it?  🙂

In fact, everything seems to go in baby steps.  I’ve slowly made progress through my school programme and slowly made progress towards working out my financial issues.  Sometimes the speed at which things developed made me panic.  I began to worry that by the time I worked through some of the larger issues, my chance at actual life would be over.  Those thoughts only served to make me feel resigned, beaten before I’d started.  It’s only been through fighting my self(ves) constantly that I’ve started pushing past that.  Sometimes it’s really quite funny– a few days ago, when the panic started, I said aloud ‘How is this helping me?’.

Departing from my own issues and entering the larger world, I just read that Swindon is scraping some of the fixed-point speed cameras.  I’m not certain yet if that’s progress or simply a change the area, and the country at large, isn’t quite prepared for yet.  In any event, I wish them success and safety.

The Otherworldly Week So Far

I say otherworldly because I’ve been having *horrible* hallucinations.  Last night I saw the skin melt off of a woman sitting in a lounge chair.  The skeleton remained.  Mind you, there was nothing in the chair at all and I was perfectly aware of that.  It still terrified me.

Things only got more interesting as the night drifted into very early morning.  After struggling with a particularly nasty internal voice for an hour, I finally relented and text messaged my best friend.  The voice kept telling me that They (cult members) had already won, so I should just finish things off physically and start again.  It kept telling me that life was over anyway– even if I break free entirely from Them, it’s too late, really, for me to make anything of my life.  As we’ve been unemployed for an uncharacteristically long time and are having trouble keeping the important things on track, *everyone* internally fell in to a mad panic.  One ISH disappeared completely.  I have a feeling she was trying to take care of the children, but only one or two of them remained quiet.  Lily was absolutely howling, which further hampered my ability to think clearly.

I started feeling trapped.  I felt water rising above my shoulders and filling my lungs.  Awen was screaming, her eerie voice sounding like the banshees of Celtic mythology.  All I could think about was being trapped and realising that things were over.  Life was over.  *They* were taking me from the inside out.  I’m still not sure they aren’t succeeding in that.  My best friend pointed out that this was my cult-loyal insiders working very well.  My guess is that they had external assistance, and they likely still do.

Today is slightly better.  There are only a couple of internal voices– everyone else is, I assume, in hiding.  L is present, but he’s distant.  No hallucinations so far, but quite alot of paranoia.  *They* are reasonably quiet, too.  They’re still working hard at their jobs, but it’s more subtle today.  I’m not sure if that is a good sign.  Perhaps They accomplished more yesterday than I can tell for now.

I need to find that place inside where I’m safe, but all I see inside is black.

Tugboats and Arson

Last night on ‘Scrubs,’ the janitor said a line that I absolutely love– ‘Tugboats and arson.  That’s all I ever get from you guys.’  He had asked his friends for advice and, quite literally, they suggested those two tactics.  Beautiful.

In spite of the rather large amount of stress I’m dealing with at the moment, that line had me laughing.  Tugboats and arson.  For some reason it just seems fitting.  I’m out of ideas at the moment, and some of the issues dancing through my head seem impossible to fix.  Strangely, this has nothing to do with multiplicity or trauma.  Ok maybe the last one, but it’s a stretch.  It’s largely financial.  I’ve got bills to pay with no idea of how I can pay them, I’m planning a move with nothing but about $800 and some clothes (and a cat who I will *not* be separated from), and then there are tuition bills to finish a degree I’ve put blood, sweat, and tears into.

I’m just ranting.  Last month a friend of mine told me she felt tired and puffy, but as a girl, she was *supposed* to feel tired and puffy sometimes.  I can definitely relate.

And *that* is the Week So Far– grumpy, stressed, and deeply confused.

At least I’m doing something, though.  Even the smallest bit of action means I’m still moving forward.

The Losing It Week So Far

And by losing it, I don’t mean going mad.  I mean actually losing things.  I’ve never been one to lose things.  Lately, though, things are going missing rather often.  My cell phone, keys, certain bills, et c.  Someone is definitely helping me.

Recently I had the pleasure of chatting with an inner small one of my sister-of-choice who commented on feeling like she was losing her balance rather frequently.  I automatically assumed that this was because she is a small person in an adult body.  The edges don’t fit right.  It was nice to see this look of understanding on her face– always good to feel validated, especially in something as strange as DID can sometimes be.  My inner little one, Lily, is going to give me a concussion some day.  She doesn’t quite realise that I can’t exactly walk through certain areas without dropping my head a bit.  🙂

And speaking of other multiples, I’m wondering if anyone else out there has this odd characteristic– I have trouble talking to other trauma survivors about trauma.  Even as a volunteer for a women’s shelter, I was uncomfortable bringing my own experience into things.  It’s not a question of the ‘who had it worse’ game that some people choose to get into; the trauma survivors who I know and am in contact with are far above that sort of juvenile behaviour.  It’s a perspective issue.  People who are not trauma survivors, in my experience, can provide a certain calming perspective that clicks things into place for me.  Other trauma survivors have been there and can certainly validate my experiences.  We can also help each other along the way with ‘tricks of the trade’ so to speak.  People who are not trauma survivors, though, can help me understand what that’s like.  Even though nobody grows up completely unscathed, the people who have not been through abuse give me a glimpse into what ‘normal’ families are like.  It’s something to measure against, something that helps me see what life should be like.  I don’t know.  This is very hard to explain, but that’s the best I can do.  Anyone else have this issue?

Off to group therapy, then.  (Just joking.)

The Neglected Week So Far

The Week So Far was the first regular feature I came up with for my blog. Poor neglected category. I think, in the blur of activity lately, I’ve skipped writing this for the past couple of weeks.

The weeks have indeed been blurry. It’s that depression and anger bit again. Always fun. The really hard part about making myself feel better from that is making myself *do* things. Making myself go to campus, making myself spend time outdoors, et c. It’s very slowly getting better, and I’ll take that for now.

The never-ending job search continues, but I might actually be getting somewhere with that as well. I’ve been in contact with a campus placement agent and have been accepted as part of a placement agency that works specifically in my field. I’m not getting particularly hopeful, though. History isn’t the greatest in this aspect.

Recreation wise, spending time outside has been excellent for me. I live several miles from nowhere, so I can go walking in the woods behind our house. It’s lovely out there. Even when it’s really hot, there’s a spot that gets very little sun where I can go and just sit. I love being outside. There’s something about returning to the elements, so to speak, that really helps clear up some of the confusion in my life. One of these days, with any luck, I’ll be living near an ocean again. There’s nothing quite like being at the ocean. It’s healing on so many levels.

And speaking of healing, I’ve been working quite alot more on the metaphysical aspects of my life. That’s another thing I’ve sort of lost track with and, as my present situation is a bit sticky, metaphysics/alternative spirituality is something I’m depending on more and more these days. I guess there’s opportunity in anything.

Hopefully this category is happier now. 🙂

The Brief Week So Far

A particularly nasty bugger of a health problem that I have is very active this week, so I’m keeping this post amazingly short. The health crap is really all I have going on at the moment anyway. It can be rather insistent.

Note to survivors and just people in general– pay attention to how stress affects your health. I’ve got all the happy little lab tests and imagining studies that show what’s going on with me physically, but rather constant stress can and typically does exacerbate those issues. Don’t shrug off the mind-body connection as a sort of New Age theory. It really can help or hurt you depending on how you deal with it.

The Tentatively Better Week So Far

It really has been a better week. Probably the best in a while, actually. I say tentatively only because it’s still a bit of a battle to keep my mind focused on the present and out of the not-so-pleasant past. Once again, this is another way singletons and multiples are alike– staying focused gives everyone difficulties now and then. I just have to find, sometimes, the *name* of the part of my mind that is disturbing the focus. And of course sometimes it’s just a matter of fighting off those nagging little thoughts one by one as they pop up. No, it isn’t fair to me or any other trauma survivor that we have to work this hard because of what was done to us. It is, however, life. That said, I should take the ‘tentatively better’ phrase out of the title and just say ‘better.’ I can make the week as best as possible.

The past few weeks have taught me so much about the importance of grounding and of acknowledging feelings. One goes hand and hand with the other. On Monday I got absolutely caught up in a recent struggle. It wasn’t at all about abuse, just something rather unpleasant in my life. It took over everything, though, and I started having trouble functioning. This is new to me– I’ve always been able to chin up and get through things with barely a pause. As it turns out, that’s not exactly the best way to get through things, nor is it actually getting through. It’s just a keen form of delay that you don’t even realise you’re doing in the moment. Or at least I didn’t. I knew I was stuffing things, but I thought they had actually gone away when I no longer felt them. [Insert Universal laughter here.] Wasn’t my false sense of security adorable?

Anyway, while I was spinning about there in the middle of my personal tornado, a line from another Del Amitri song called ‘Always the Last to Know’ flashed through my mind– ‘Creation’s gone crazy. The TV’s gone mad. Now you’re the only sane thing that I have.’ It made me think about the people in my life who represent stability to me. It centred me, once again, in my part of the Universal Mind and reminded me that, although my biological family has been involved in the Really Bad Stuff for many, *many* generations, the spiritual aspect of who I am is still free and will always remain so. I closed my eyes and saw an image of myself holding on to the trunk of a really strong tree, surrounded by swirling winds that were having absolutely no affect on me. This image gave way to visual memories of some of the happiest times in my life.

That feeling was amazing, and it has lasted through today. Mind you, I’m still stressed about certain deadlines and general aggravations. I’m just working from a better place now, and that makes even yesterday’s flashbacks easier to deal with. I’ve reworked things to make my deadlines actually possible and have made quite alot of progress towards those goals just in the past couple of days. Sometimes, more frequently than I ever thought, things just work out if I give up some of the control and let life happen. For those of you reading this, I hope you can find some of the peace and stability this week has brought to me.

And now for something funny to end this rather heavy post on a lighter note. Check out this story about a parrot who used an ingenious method to find his way home. How’s *that* for proper pet tags? 🙂 Now if I could only train my cat to talk…

The Messy Week So Far

Or month so far, as it were. May is not turning out to be lovely.

On an emotional level, this week has been much better than last. The grief issues are, for the moment, being pushed out of my mind. The problem is what they’re being pushed out by. My graduate studies are coming down to an eight-hour exam and the mercy of a committee, and I am starting to go completely mad preparing for this. I’m also kicking myself for not starting to study MUCH sooner. If I fail this exam, I fail my graduate programme, simply put. No pressure.

No idea why, as this is probably the most important exam of my life so far, but I keep putting things off. It feels like overwhelm or dread or something, but I’m guessing it’s also my lovely SRA background creeping up almost unnoticed.

I’m confident enough to say I’m a relatively intelligent person. I’m also confident enough to say I’ve done well in my studies. This exam, however, is throwing me. I feel like I’m trying to re-learn everything from the past couple of years in the matter of a few short weeks. One of my internal people, L, keeps reminding me that even though I started studying specifically for this exam a bit late, I’ve actually been preparing for it throughout my graduate studies. I have a decent foundation; it’s just the specifics at the moment that are really bothering me.

So what does one do in a situation like this? My strategy (after spending an appropriate amount of time panicking) is to push away the overwhelm as much as possible and just keep digging through. Lights at end of tunnel and all that.

This blog, then, might get rather boring over the next few weeks, as I will be spending at least 28 hours a day studying (yes, I know that’s impossible…)

Any positive thoughts or whatever your spiritual beliefs allow for luck, and support please send them my way. And when this exam is over, provided I actually pass, expect a post in all caps with many, many, misspelled words and emoticons. Fingers crossed!

The Belated Week So Far

Bloody hell, it’s Thursday. I’m a day off this week, which could have been interesting considering the week’s deadlines.

What can I say? It’s been a depressing week, as those of you who follow the blog have read. Today feels a bit better, if only because I’m dazed enough not to know otherwise yet. 🙂 I’m only joking– I tend not to stay down for a ridiculously long time.

As it turns out, the small bit of integration that happened over the weekend was a *good* thing. That worried me. It was the first time someone with a major role had integrated. But, she knew what she was doing. I feel more connected now. Maybe that’s what the crazy time thing was about. Maybe she was preparing me to step back into things fully and I needed to go through a sense of catching up or something. In any event, it’s good to feel like I’m inside time again.

Last night during a break from school stuff, I started thinking about my best friend. More specifically, *Lily* started thinking about him. She absolutely adores him, particularly Ugh!, the pretend internal caveman. We created a DID system for him so he wouldn’t feel left out. Lily and Timmy, her partner in crime, definitely believe in my best friend’s ‘alters,’ though. 😉 Anyway, I was thinking about the things he and I have been through together and came up with a crazy list:

1. All the Harry Potter movies that have been released so far. (We like them shamelessly!)

2. Seven New Year’s Eves.

3. Both of our undergraduate graduations, one semester apart. Those were the days…

4. My string of temp jobs and his change of career plans. (Not that one of us is more stable than the other.)

5. More stuff with our families than any one chat show could possibly handle.

It went on sort of like that for a bit, but those were the ones that stuck out most. It’s been such a pleasure to watch him develop the sense of confidence, personality, and– in his words– general smart-assedness– over the years. I know he’ll do great things. And I know that while he’s reading this, he’ll be thinking ‘Awww…blush blush blush’ to himself. (Or maybe Ugh! is. I lose track.)

Thanks, best friend. And I don’t mean that sarcastically this time. 🙂